Slightly Exaggerated Version of a Convo I Overheard in a Burbank Chain Restaurant About Making A Sci-Fi Web Series
I may have taken some liberties, but this is how I remember it…
Dude: So, I’ll be honest. We don’t have the biggest budget for this…but I’m talking to some decent-name actors. One has 4,000 followers on Vine, one is cross referenced on Dj Qualls Wikipedia page.
Girl (interrupting): Amazing. Does it link to his own Wikipedia entry?
Dude: No. But if we get the Vine guy, at 4,000 followers, and every follower gives at least $100, we’re gold! Plus your trust fund. Can you access any of that yet?
Girl: Yeah. I’m 36.
Dude: Great. We will need that for special effects.
They both look at their phones for awhile.
Girl: Totally. How do you think we shoot the laser battle scene? Real lasers? That seems expensive.
Dude: Nope. We get laser pointers. Remember those?
Girl: The things you use to mess with substitute teachers?
Dude: Yes! Much cheaper than CGI.
Girl: Amazing! Substitute teachers used to hate those. How are the drafts of the script coming?
Dude: Well, I sent the treatment over to this kid who lives in Grand Rapids this morning. He’s a wiz. He has like 90 Vine followers. He should have season 1 and 2 written tonight and we can start season 3 after the second Kickstarter campaign.
Girl: Love it. Amazing. Now I know we want to shoot the space rocket scene with a RED camera on a bobsled, which is gonna be AMAZING, but how can we make the bobsled MOVE without using snow?
Dude: F**K you’re right!
ponders. looks at phone for a while.
Dude: Should we have fake snow made?
Girl: Hmm. I think a more amazing idea would be wheels for the bob sled.
Dude: Yes! Much cheaper. Saves more budget for building the dragon.
Dude: I can’t wait to never actually make this.
Girl: It’s gonna be so amazing to never make this with you!
So this is my first post of 2014 and, honestly, I wish it was a more EPIC one. I’m not sure if people still use EPIC to describe things or if that was super 2008 of me to say, but hey, maybe we could all use a little more 2008 in 2014? Anyway, I got pretty injured right before the holidays. A semi severe muscle strain in my calves that could take even more time to heal, but I’ve been trying to work hard, stay positive and start 2014 like THIS
But I’ve definitely spent a few days feeling more like THIS
Nevertheless, it’s been a pretty fun first month of the year and I do have some exciting stuff in the pipeline. One goal I REALLY need to set my sights on is my dream of finally getting a 50★ tweet.
Look, I’ve been on Twitter since 2009 and had some great moments. Aside from YouTube, it’s still my favorite website/platform. That being said, I KNOW I need to take it to the next level. I need to put in more hours and characters. I need to execute flawlessly. I need to tweet until my Twitter idols (Twidols) become my rivals (Twivals). I need a 50★ tweet!
So how do I proceed? I already have 580 followers (give or take a few bots that might be deleted by the time I post this), shouldn’t that be enough for 50★s? I think my best bet would be consulting the pros and reach out to some top tweeters for advice. I need to think about everything that goes into composing a 50★er. Maybe I should pay to promote my account? If that’s the case I will need some corporate sponsors or AT LEAST a great crowd funding campaign.
I just thought I’d put it all down here as motivation to start my quest for 50★s. May the odds be ever in my favor.
Happy Christmas Eve. A lot of work to do today before heading to Ohio, but had to post another GORGEOUS CHRISTMAS POEM for the entire net!
Merry Christmas to a skunk
Merry Christmas to a hunk
Merry Christmas from a shiny sports car
Merry Christmas from a ROWDY SPORTS BAR (go team!!!)
Merry Christmas to your two free flight carry ons
Merry Christmas to Bow Wow and Omarion
Merry Christmas to seven rabbits
Merry Christmas to Lenny Kravtiz
And if Lenny aint a Christmas celebrator?
Merry Christmas to the guitar solo from “Love in an Elevator”!
Merry Christmas to strangers “hey, pleased to meet ya”
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO KIDS THAT ALWAYS EAT PIZZA!!!
With all of your wishes, be sure NOT to miss
Christmas wishes to YOU, give yourself a BIG KISS!
"What became of everyone I used to know" is probably my favorite opening line to any album. The Get Up Kids wrote this in the late ’90s before Facebook and other social media made the question a thing of the past. Luckily for me (since I am so into wondering), there are dudes I’ve met over the years that I have no idea what happened to them. Either it was a one-off meet/hang or they seem to be un-Googleable. Regardless, I figured I’d might as well draw some of them. Like they say: If you can’t find ‘em, draw ‘em.
Roger from the movie theater was a 40-something year old dude I worked with at Garrettsville Cinemas my senior year of high school. He was usually in good spirits and sometimes made inappropriate jokes to us teens and other people of all ages. Many teens teased him or were mean to him, but not me. Overall, we got along pretty well. We’d work late shifts together and listened to a lot of Delilah on the radio. For those of you who don’t know, Delilah hosts that call-in request show for lovers (current, former and long-lost) to dedicate love songs to each other. Delilah also says the kind of stuff that people with Drake parody accounts pretend Drake says. We’d chat here and there, but we mostly cleaned and listened to Delilah. I’m not even sure what his opinion of me was, but Roger definitely thought my friend Mike was incredible. When graduation day rolled around, he wrote an epic note to Mike that sampled lyrics from the hit song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. In the letter, he encouraged Mike to “dance” in the figurative sense Lee Ann uses in the song. Maybe he meant it literally also. I guess he gave Mike some undies or something too, but those details are a little foggy.
I hope Roger is doing well, and I’d love to let him know that I’ve been doing my best to “dance” ever since our days at theater. Not that he ever asked.
This will be a gorgeous holiday gift. The comedy/drama vignette film I wrote/directed pieces for is available to preorder! The movie features the talent of Busy Phillips, Community's Gillian Jacobs and countless wonderful Northeast Ohians, including the great people pictured below.
I also ran an image search purposely misspelling “Blue Ray”. I had to scroll a bit, but my favorite result is below:
I’ve been pretty busy with plenty of things, and one of them has been picturing what is going to happen next on American Horror Story: Coven. If you’re watching this season of American Horror Story, you have to be blown away by it’s constant EDGINESS and also regularly asking yourself “why am I watching this season of American Horror Story?”
I thought I’d take a second and jot down some EDGY predictions about how the season will play out.
-Sarah Paulson’s character finally has a baby. It doesn’t even seem that magical at first but everyone knows something is up when things start getting way evil. Jessica Lange gets bored because she hasn’t been very edgy in the episode so she hits the baby with her car.
-Lange is praised by the other witches because it turns out that the baby was the devil. Even more devil-y than the baby from the first season of AHS. She accepts an award begrudgingly, drink in hand, stating “You may call me a hero, but to me I’m just hitting babies with my car. Nothing special” She is so humble. And edgy.
-The blonde hippy girl stops blabberin’ about Fleetwood Mack and get’s super into the new Arcade Fire.
-Emma Roberts comes back from the dead and does some Krokodil with the other dead kid. It’s probably the edgiest Krokodil scene in basic-cable history.
-Zachary Quinto finally shows up, takes a look around, and decides this season is just too edgy for him. He is replaced by Zach Braff.
-Drew Brees cameo.
-Entire episode=close up of a monkey’s face while Nine Inch Nails song plays.
-Dead kid feels guilt about killing his mother and records a YouTube cover of Drake’s “Too Much”. Video goes viral and he gets an agent but his original music doesn’t really take off.
-Kathy Bates stops being super racist and returns to Florida to run Sabre with Gabriel Susan Lewis.
-Jonah Hill cameo
-The minotaur dude appears in front of an amazing light show and Daft Punk beat. Everyone whips out their smart phones to film as he starts rappin’. The entire season was just an elaborate stop on the Yeezus tour.
So it’s 2014 and The Lakers are in the NBA finals against the Miami Heat. In case you forgot already, this makes total sense because the CHRIS PAUL TRADE WAS NEVER BLOCKED. Perhaps the best news about this is that the Lakers never even tried to acquire Dwight Howard. In fact, Dwight Howard doesn’t even play basketball anymore. Picture this: Dwight Howard got so sick of injuries and Shaq teasing him that he quit basketball altogether. D12 is now Miley Cyrus’s successor in a gritty Hannah Montana reboot and is beloved by millions (though he quickly caused controversy by cussing about his privates in a guest verse on Big Sean’s “Hall of Fame” album). The Lakers starting lineup of Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Steve Nash (yeah, The Lakers still signed Nash because he’s so freakin’ cool. He is donating his entire salary to Ugandan orphans and living in a modest Echo Park bungalow w his chill girlfriend Solange Knowles), Paul Gasol and SexyMan69 (formerly known as Metta World Peace formerly known as Ron Artest) have proven to be almost unstoppable under their fearless coach: Steve Jobs.
(My friend Chris Fafalios loved picturing this so much he made me this picture)
Oh yeah, one minor thing I didn’t mention yet is you also have to picture that Steve Jobs is super alive and coaching the Lakers. It shouldn’t be that hard to imagine because it’s pretty weird that a dude as rich and smart as Steve Jobs would die of health problems before millions of people that treat their bods like toilets. Steve Jobs seemed to do everything in his life besides win an NBA championship ring so GOOD NEWS: we are going to picture him finally getting his ring.
Even though this team cruised through the regular season so easily that Nash was dunking on lobs from Paul (and vice versa), Man69 was drawing up plays named after his favorite ewoks, and the bench was so deep even Kevin Hart got to play some garbage minutes, not everything was going perfectly. Kobe is in his mid 30s, and he’s been playing in the NBA since he was like 14 or some shit, so there’s plenty of wear and tear on his bod. When it started getting tough for Kobe to play 38 minutes a game, Coach Jobs was smart to put him on an Apple-designed human operating system called MountainPerson. When Kobe had to update to MountainPerson7, there were definitely some bugs to be worked out, much like iOS7. Obviously Steve had Apple developers working around the clock on MountainPerson7 bug fixes, and an update to MountainPerson7.1.0 had Kobe firing on all cylinders in no time. I’d imagine that if Steve Jobs were still alive, iOS7 wouldn’t have the problems it does. It probably wouldn’t look like a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper either. I imagine it would look like a cool album cover, like Sgt. Peppers, or at least Green Day “Dookie”.
(My impression of iOS7 but it’s not even this cool!)
Everything is better under Jobs. Pau Gasol might not be running on MountainPerson, but he did bulk up quite a bit under Coach Jobs’ strict "no wussies" policy. Jobs also handles SexyMan69 like no coach could handle Artest or World Peace. Whenever he gets too wild, Coach Jobs would just say “69…u too crazy!”. Everyone would get a good chuckle.
Even with Lebron James carrying The Heat on his shoulders and putting up quintuple doubles in the first few games, Miami could only take Coach Jobs’s Lakers to six games. The back court of Paul and Nash dishing it to Kobe running on Apple’s best operating system yet PLUS the muscle of Pau Gasol and Sexyman69 proved to be too much for Lebron and his humble (awful) supporting cast. The 2014 NBA championship was won on the Staples Center floor in front of a sold out crowd that even had on again/off again Lakers bench player Kevin Hart in attendance. Jack Nicholson would have been there too but, how I’m picturing it at least, he’s dead instead of Steve Jobs. Nicholson is great, but I’m picturing it this way because he would have wanted it that way. He’d rather be dead than have The Lakers not win a championship.
Best news is that Lebron will obviously go back to play for the Cavaliers after this crushing defeat. No doubt Kobe and Jobs will try to lure him to the bright lights of Los Angeles, but we know where his heart truly lies. Actually, on second thought, it makes total sense that he would come play for the Lakers. Jobs and the Bus family probably have the money to fully transport his beloved city of Akron as a new LA neighborhood, which I have to support because my family lives there and it would bring Sheetz here to Los Angeles.
I hope you liked picturing all of that. I sure did.
When I was 19, I was getting ready to go play a rock concert in my hometown. I put on my finest GAP polo shirt (which I realized was probably illegal pre-Weezer/Nerf Herder) and, honestly, I thought I was looking pretty cool.
My buddy Chris Barton showed up to give me a ride to the show. Barton and I had become pretty close whilst cruising around in his car, probably because he gave me a ride home when school was was closed down on 9/11 (we drove home listened to Stern’s coverage). Chris commented that my polo looked pretty fresh, but questioned whether or not I had lifted weights in the past hour.
I hadn’t. I hadn’t even considered it.
"You should lift weights before you play a show. Just like you would before a date."
Man, I had never lifted weights before a show OR a date. I was doing it all wrong. I saw the value in lifting weights before playing a show to get my energy up, but never considered how I could have increased my hunkiness on stage.
Sigh…what could have been…
Did I learn my lesson? Did I lift weights before writing this post?
When I was just about to start high school I was WAY jealous of my older stepbrother Nick’s DOPE baggy jeans. I didn’t know how he got such cool blue jeans, but I knew I wanted them.
One day we were at my Grandpa’s house going through some junk he no longer wanted, and we came across some sweet billfolds. Without hesitation, Nick moved everything from his wallet into the billfold. It fit perfectly into the large back pockets of his incredible baggy jeans…not so much the case for my ratty khakis I was surely rockin’.
"You can just have mine" I said. "If I had sweet jeans like that, I could maybe carry this thing."
That’s when Nick gave me some of the best advice ever of my entire life:
"It starts with the billfold…and ends with the jeans."
Dang. He was right. I started carrying that billfold and it forced me to figure out a way to make some serious BLUE JEAN cash. I got two jobs washing dishes in Garrettsville kitchens that summer. Not only was I buying some AMAZING baggy jeans, I also bought some cool CDs. My billfold was a big hit as well, with many friends calling it my “Costanza wallet” (this was not accurate because George carried a NORMAL wallet that just happened to be very full). I used the billfold all the way up to senior year.
Point is, sometimes the hardest part about accomplishing a goal is starting. Find the thing that puts you on the right track and you’ll do everything you can to not let yourself down.
Find your billfold.