So it’s 2014 and The Lakers are in the NBA finals against the Miami Heat. In case you forgot already, this makes total sense because the CHRIS PAUL TRADE WAS NEVER BLOCKED. Perhaps the best news about this is that the Lakers never even tried to acquire Dwight Howard. In fact, Dwight Howard doesn’t even play basketball anymore. Picture this: Dwight Howard got so sick of injuries and Shaq teasing him that he quit basketball altogether. D12 is now Miley Cyrus’s successor in a gritty Hannah Montana reboot and is beloved by millions (though he quickly caused controversy by cussing about his privates in a guest verse on Big Sean’s “Hall of Fame” album). The Lakers starting lineup of Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Steve Nash (yeah, The Lakers still signed Nash because he’s so freakin’ cool. He is donating his entire salary to Ugandan orphans and living in a modest Echo Park bungalow w his chill girlfriend Solange Knowles), Paul Gasol and SexyMan69 (formerly known as Metta World Peace formerly known as Ron Artest) have proven to be almost unstoppable under their fearless coach: Steve Jobs.
(My friend Chris Fafalios loved picturing this so much he made me this picture)
Oh yeah, one minor thing I didn’t mention yet is you also have to picture that Steve Jobs is super alive and coaching the Lakers. It shouldn’t be that hard to imagine because it’s pretty weird that a dude as rich and smart as Steve Jobs would die of health problems before millions of people that treat their bods like toilets. Steve Jobs seemed to do everything in his life besides win an NBA championship ring so GOOD NEWS: we are going to picture him finally getting his ring.
Even though this team cruised through the regular season so easily that Nash was dunking on lobs from Paul (and vice versa), Man69 was drawing up plays named after his favorite ewoks, and the bench was so deep even Kevin Hart got to play some garbage minutes, not everything was going perfectly. Kobe is in his mid 30s, and he’s been playing in the NBA since he was like 14 or some shit, so there’s plenty of wear and tear on his bod. When it started getting tough for Kobe to play 38 minutes a game, Coach Jobs was smart to put him on an Apple-designed human operating system called MountainPerson. When Kobe had to update to MountainPerson7, there were definitely some bugs to be worked out, much like iOS7. Obviously Steve had Apple developers working around the clock on MountainPerson7 bug fixes, and an update to MountainPerson7.1.0 had Kobe firing on all cylinders in no time. I’d imagine that if Steve Jobs were still alive, iOS7 wouldn’t have the problems it does. It probably wouldn’t look like a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper either. I imagine it would look like a cool album cover, like Sgt. Peppers, or at least Green Day “Dookie”.
(My impression of iOS7 but it’s not even this cool!)
Everything is better under Jobs. Pau Gasol might not be running on MountainPerson, but he did bulk up quite a bit under Coach Jobs’ strict "no wussies" policy. Jobs also handles SexyMan69 like no coach could handle Artest or World Peace. Whenever he gets too wild, Coach Jobs would just say “69…u too crazy!”. Everyone would get a good chuckle.
Even with Lebron James carrying The Heat on his shoulders and putting up quintuple doubles in the first few games, Miami could only take Coach Jobs’s Lakers to six games. The back court of Paul and Nash dishing it to Kobe running on Apple’s best operating system yet PLUS the muscle of Pau Gasol and Sexyman69 proved to be too much for Lebron and his humble (awful) supporting cast. The 2014 NBA championship was won on the Staples Center floor in front of a sold out crowd that even had on again/off again Lakers bench player Kevin Hart in attendance. Jack Nicholson would have been there too but, how I’m picturing it at least, he’s dead instead of Steve Jobs. Nicholson is great, but I’m picturing it this way because he would have wanted it that way. He’d rather be dead than have The Lakers not win a championship.
Best news is that Lebron will obviously go back to play for the Cavaliers after this crushing defeat. No doubt Kobe and Jobs will try to lure him to the bright lights of Los Angeles, but we know where his heart truly lies. Actually, on second thought, it makes total sense that he would come play for the Lakers. Jobs and the Bus family probably have the money to fully transport his beloved city of Akron as a new LA neighborhood, which I have to support because my family lives there and it would bring Sheetz here to Los Angeles.
I hope you liked picturing all of that. I sure did.