9th Apr 2014

A Few Words About “The Splits”

The other night I watched Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse completely botch finishing an intricate dance routine with “the splits”. This got me thinking about how the splits never seemed to go right, no matter how awesome the dude. If Uncle Jesse couldn’t even look cool doing it, could anyone? I decided to tweet an observation I’m sure MANY have shared:

"If you’re a cool guy in a 90s tv show or movie DO NOT try and do the splits. It never ends well."

Caveat came the next morning in a reply from my buddy Kevin:

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GREAT point. Slater nailed it. And was still considered extremely cool (right?). This got me thinking even further about the splits.

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1. Was there a wrong way to do the splits?

Or, more accurately, was there a wrong end result? When Danny and Uncle Jesse botched them, it was funny. When Slater nailed it, it was awesome. So in the end, weren’t we always entertained? These men put their bodies on the line and I think any attempt should be deemed a success. It’s not about being “cool”, it’s about entertaining.

2. What exactly HAPPENED to the splits?

Maybe the mid-to-late 90s ushered in a new non-split-friendly era for entertainment. Jerry Seinfeld certainly wasn’t doing the splits (but, HOLY SHIT, imagine if he did…). Limp Bizkit would have FLIPPED OFF the splits given the chance. By the time of the Bush (GW) administration, we’d probably all but forgotten about this male-physical-comedy staple that was once so prevalent. 

Perhaps the most pressing..

3. WHO, IN 2014, COULD BRING BACK THE SPLITS?

Haven’t thought about this? Well, I will tell you my educated guesses:

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-Justin Timberlake.

JTs career kicked off a few years after the splits seemed to have died. Now, nearing his mid 30s, Timberlake is in the prime of his career as an entertainer. While many of his male peers are probably thinking about what fedoras to start rocking, Timberlake is in the best place physically, mentally and creatively to start thinking about bringing back the splits. His musical comeback/entire 2013 was the entertainment equivalent of Kobe’s 3 straight NBA Finals appearances (minus the loss to the Celtics and having to cuss into his jersey when he got ticked). Point is, Timberlake is perhaps the last classic triple threat, he’s setting the standard for “staying relevant” and he doesn’t really piss anyone off. It’s tough to argue that he’s not a front runner for bringing back the splits. If he’s successful, we all “raise the roof” like the splits never went away, if he fucks up, it’s at least 40 minutes worth of material for his next charming-as-heck SNL appearance. 

-Bruno Mars

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Bruno Mars seemed to do everything over the last year. Everything except the splits. Actually, I don’t have time to rewatch his Superbowl half time show. Did he do the splits? 

And finally…

-Drake 

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All these ’90s fantasies on my mind
The difference is that with mine, they all come true in due time

-Drake “Tuscan Leather”

Let’s say you have your list of possible splits-saviors already punched up. That’s pretty awesome. Let’s say you didn’t add Drake. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? If Justin Timberlake is the last classic triple threat, Drake is redefining it. A rapper that’s equally as Ross Geller as he is Jay-Z, a worldwide brand and all around picture of 2014 well-roundedness, he does it all and doesn’t take himself too seriously. Drake could do the splits in a pair of custom Jordans and a butt-load of chains. He knows you’ll make GIFs of it. He knows you’ll call him soft. At the end of the day, if it’s his fantasy, ’90s or otherwise, Drake can figure out how to make it come true.  He could add “bringing the splits back” to his already mega impressive resume. Y’all were on your Samsung Galaxies talkin’ smack for a while, now u endorsing me for ‘the splits’ on my Linkedin profile…”. The story and entire mixtape about the splits write themselves.  

Even though my choices are pretty inarguable…this is totally open for discussion. Who do you think could bring back the splits?

27th Mar 2014

Get Well Soon, Garrettsville

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My family moved to Garrettsville before second grade after bouncing all over the Cleveland area since I was born. The town is truly one of a kind, so much that I’m pretty sure it’s the only Garrettsville in the world (I did a nice, hard Google and only Garrettsville, Ohio came up. I tried “Garrettsville, England” and “Garrettsville, North Korea”. Nothing!). Though my family now lives in Akron, anytime I come home from Los Angeles I’ve done my best to work in a visit to Garrettsville. I even filmed the gym scene of this video at the middle school before moving here. Here’s a pic from a few trips ago where my buddies and I walked our old neighborhoods and ate some Italian Garden Pizza on the boardwalk:

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(BTW it’s worth noting that the pizza in Garrettsville is awesomethus why Guy’s Pizza, possibly the greatest pizza known to man, or at least outside NYC, was invented by some cool Gvillians.)

This past Saturday the town lost an entire block of small businesses on Main Street to a super terrifying fire. Though the Gville community (even those of us far, far away) are coming together in our owns ways to help rebuild as quickly as possible, everyone seems to agree the memories in in the buildings lost are irreplaceable. I delivered The Record Courier newspaper on this stretch for years. I got the same haircut from ages 13-19 at “The Barber of Gville” while having great discussions with Jim Reppy (the barber) himself. Kids could dress like Wes Anderson characters by picking up awesome, vintage outfits from Minard’s Sports, and I spent so much time at Dave’s Comics that I eventually wrote a true story about how I lied to my parents and said I worked there in this book

While I’m thinking about something more to contribute, for now anyone can check out ways to lend a hand or dollar via these amazing outlets other Gvillians have put together in the short time since the fire:
http://garrettsvillearea.com/how-can-i-help.html

On the quick-and-easy crowdfunding front, Sam Martin set up an IndieGoGo site that is picking up traction and I’ll be dropping some $tacks in soon:
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-get-garrettsville-back-on-its-feet

On behalf of myself and all the friends I’ve made in Garrettsville, whether they’re now in Cleveland, Akron, Trumbull County, Chicago, Portland, Oceanside, Japan, etc: thank you, Garrettsville. We wish you a speedy recovery and we couldn’t be us without you. Let’s rebuild that entire end of Main Street so the kids who get a chance to grow up in Garrettsville next can make their own memories and hopefully get some cool outfits. 

I could honestly talk Garrettsville for hours. Hit me up if you ever want to do that. 

24th Mar 2014

17 Things Only MOVERS Understand!

Just kiddin’. I thought I’d post a quick update with a very BUZZFEED like title in hopes it would be my biggest post yet. I’m sure it will be. 

We did move last weekend, however. While I wasn’t the most help with the physical act of moving, I contributed plenty mentally to the move. I consider myself equally the Phil Jackson and Tito Jackson of moving. The move was a piece of cake thanks to the help of a few friends, including the tech-savvy heartthrobs pictured above (I work/worked with those guys on the internet!). I can’t speak to their choice of beverage, but it has to be better than the “Cocaine” brand energy drinks (yeah, that’s what they were called) my brother and I drank during a move once. I think we puked. He definitely did, I don’t remember if I did or if I just came close. I guess drinking disgusting energy drinks is just something only MOVERS understand!

12th Feb 2014

I Wrote A Kick-Butt Spec Script For the Imaginary HBO™ Original Series BOYS

I really hope this lands me an imaginary writing gig on season 2 or at least an office PA gig I can work my way up from. 

28th Jan 2014
Right outside my apartment is one of few places in the city of Los Angeles where one needn’t sweat it about street parking. I was bummed to come home the other night to find our normal spot taken by this dude, "The Hebrew Handyman". It was still there in the morning. 
I’ve seen this van around the neighborhood before, but of all the theories I could come up with as to why The Hebrew Handyman (THH for short. Or is HHM better?) is that one of my neighbors is hooking up with him. Scandalous. If I run into him I will say (in a very sly way) “creative home projects, huh? That what they’re calling it (sex) these days?!?!” For now I will be on full "Hebrew Handyman Walk Of Shame" watch so I can use a great zinger like that. Can you even imagine an HHM walk of shame? I’m gonna go write a Woody Allen movie about it. 
Also, the phone number was removed for this post, but rest assured it was a Cincinnati, Ohio number. 

Right outside my apartment is one of few places in the city of Los Angeles where one needn’t sweat it about street parking. I was bummed to come home the other night to find our normal spot taken by this dude, "The Hebrew Handyman". It was still there in the morning. 

I’ve seen this van around the neighborhood before, but of all the theories I could come up with as to why The Hebrew Handyman (THH for short. Or is HHM better?) is that one of my neighbors is hooking up with him. Scandalous. If I run into him I will say (in a very sly way) “creative home projects, huh? That what they’re calling it (sex) these days?!?!” For now I will be on full "Hebrew Handyman Walk Of Shame" watch so I can use a great zinger like that. Can you even imagine an HHM walk of shame? I’m gonna go write a Woody Allen movie about it. 

Also, the phone number was removed for this post, but rest assured it was a Cincinnati, Ohio number. 

26th Jan 2014

Slightly Exaggerated Version of a Convo I Overheard in a Burbank Chain Restaurant About Making A Sci-Fi Web Series

I may have taken some liberties, but this is how I remember it…

Dude: So, I’ll be honest. We don’t have the biggest budget for this…but I’m talking to some decent-name actors. One has 4,000 followers on Vine, one is cross referenced on Dj Qualls Wikipedia page.

Girl (interrupting): Amazing. Does it link to his own Wikipedia entry?

Dude: No. But if we get the Vine guy, at 4,000 followers, and every follower gives at least $100, we’re gold! Plus your trust fund. Can you access any of that yet?

Girl: Yeah. I’m 36.

Dude: Great. We will need that for special effects.

They both look at their phones for awhile. 

Girl: Totally. How do you think we shoot the laser battle scene? Real lasers? That seems expensive. 

Dude: Nope. We get laser pointers. Remember those? 

Girl: The things you use to mess with substitute teachers? 

Dude: Yes! Much cheaper than CGI. 

Girl: Amazing! Substitute teachers used to hate those. How are the drafts of the script coming?

Dude: Well, I sent the treatment over to this kid who lives in Grand Rapids this morning. He’s a wiz. He has like 90 Vine followers. He should have season 1 and 2 written tonight and we can start season 3 after the second Kickstarter campaign. 

Girl: Love it. Amazing. Now I know we want to shoot the space rocket scene with a RED camera on a bobsled, which is gonna be AMAZING, but how can we make the bobsled MOVE without using snow?

Dude: F**K you’re right!

ponders. looks at phone for a while.

Dude: Should we have fake snow made?

Girl: Hmm. I think a more amazing idea would be wheels for the bob sled.

Dude: Yes! Much cheaper. Saves more budget for building the dragon.

Girl: Amazing.

Dude: I can’t wait to never actually make this.

Girl: It’s gonna be so amazing to never make this with you!

22nd Jan 2014

I want a 50★ tweet!

So this is my first post of 2014 and, honestly, I wish it was a more EPIC one. I’m not sure if people still use EPIC to describe things or if that was super 2008 of me to say, but hey, maybe we could all use a little more 2008 in 2014? Anyway, I got pretty injured right before the holidays. A semi severe muscle strain in my calves that could take even more time to heal, but I’ve been trying to work hard, stay positive and start 2014 like THIS

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But I’ve definitely spent a few days feeling more like THIS

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Nevertheless, it’s been a pretty fun first month of the year and I do have some exciting stuff in the pipeline. One goal I REALLY need to set my sights on is my dream of finally getting a 50★ tweet.

Look, I’ve been on Twitter since 2009 and had some great moments. Aside from YouTube, it’s still my favorite website/platform. That being said, I KNOW I need to take it to the next level. I need to put in more hours and characters. I need to execute flawlessly. I need to tweet until my Twitter idols (Twidols) become my rivals (Twivals). I need a 50★ tweet!

So how do I proceed? I already have 580 followers (give or take a few bots that might be deleted by the time I post this), shouldn’t that be enough for 50★s? I think my best bet would be consulting the pros and reach out to some top tweeters for advice. I need to think about everything that goes into composing a 50★er. Maybe I should pay to promote my account? If that’s the case I will need some corporate sponsors or AT LEAST a great crowd funding campaign. 

I just thought I’d put it all down here as motivation to start my quest for 50★s. May the odds be ever in my favor. 

24th Dec 2013

My Coolest Holiday Card to THE INTERNET

Happy Christmas Eve. A lot of work to do today before heading to Ohio, but had to post another GORGEOUS CHRISTMAS POEM for the entire net!

Merry Christmas to a skunk

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Merry Christmas to a hunk

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Merry Christmas from a shiny sports car

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Merry Christmas from a ROWDY SPORTS BAR (go team!!!)

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Merry Christmas to your two free flight carry ons

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Merry Christmas to Bow Wow and Omarion

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Merry Christmas to seven rabbits

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Merry Christmas to Lenny Kravtiz 

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And if Lenny aint a Christmas celebrator?

Merry Christmas to the guitar solo from “Love in an Elevator”! 

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Merry Christmas to strangers “hey, pleased to meet ya”

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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO KIDS THAT ALWAYS EAT PIZZA!!!

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With all of your wishes, be sure NOT to miss

Christmas wishes to YOU, give yourself a BIG KISS!

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15th Dec 2013
This beautiful holiday drawing by justinmichaelwill was obviously inspired by my outrageously handsome-sounding Christmas poem I penned last year “Christmas Abs” 
Christmas AbsBaby it’s been a hard year I only made six hundred dollarsSweatin’ hard in the factory they say I shoulda went to collegeBut I swear this’ll be the best damn holidayBecause I bottled my sweat and I only drink thatCut out every single carb and each non-essential fatSo here’s your giftOf my Christmas abs Might’ve sold our car to buy a protein bar But when my shirt comes off you’ll thank your lucky starsAt the sight of my twinklin’ Christmas absI took most the year off and you thought its for a hobbyBut you’ll feel rich as hell when you see my heavenly bodyYeah baby I swear its a damn good holidayI’ll let ya look at them and I won’t ask much 'Cept for you to clean each chiseled crevice with a new toothbrushThat I got for you to clean my gorgeous Christmas absThrow away your dictionary, you won’t need Wikipedia when you see meCause the definition of definition is underneath my dirty Aaron Rodgers jerseyI’m talkin’ bout…These Christmas absNo K-Mart layaway this holiday No I’ll be cut like Lenny Kravitz and the dude from Sugar RayI just hit the CrossFit for my pack that’s sixAnd should be 13 or 14 by Valentine’s DayYeah I’ll double my abs it’ll triple your smileand we’ll just stay inside and look at them for a whileUntil next year when Ill have even more Christmas abs Yeah my entire body…will be beautiful Christmas abs 

This beautiful holiday drawing by justinmichaelwill was obviously inspired by my outrageously handsome-sounding Christmas poem I penned last year “Christmas Abs” 

Christmas Abs
Baby it’s been a hard year I only made six hundred dollars
Sweatin’ hard in the factory they say I shoulda went to college
But I swear this’ll be the best damn holiday
Because I bottled my sweat and I only drink that
Cut out every single carb and each non-essential fat
So here’s your gift
Of my Christmas abs 
Might’ve sold our car to buy a protein bar 
But when my shirt comes off you’ll thank your lucky stars
At the sight of my twinklin’ Christmas abs
I took most the year off and you thought its for a hobby
But you’ll feel rich as hell when you see my heavenly body
Yeah baby I swear its a damn good holiday
I’ll let ya look at them and I won’t ask much 
'Cept for you to clean each chiseled crevice with a new toothbrush
That I got for you to clean my gorgeous Christmas abs
Throw away your dictionary, you won’t need Wikipedia when you see me
Cause the definition of definition is underneath my dirty Aaron Rodgers jersey
I’m talkin’ bout…
These Christmas abs
No K-Mart layaway this holiday 
No I’ll be cut like Lenny Kravitz and the dude from Sugar Ray
I just hit the CrossFit for my pack that’s six
And should be 13 or 14 by Valentine’s Day
Yeah I’ll double my abs it’ll triple your smile
and we’ll just stay inside and look at them for a while
Until next year when Ill have even more Christmas abs 
Yeah my entire body…will be beautiful Christmas abs 
11th Dec 2013

Past Dudes #1

"What became of everyone I used to know" is probably my favorite opening line to any album. The Get Up Kids wrote this in the late ’90s before Facebook and other social media made the question a thing of the past. Luckily for me (since I am so into wondering), there are dudes I’ve met over the years that I have no idea what happened to them. Either it was a one-off meet/hang or they seem to be un-Googleable. Regardless, I figured I’d might as well draw some of them. Like they say: If you can’t find ‘em, draw ‘em. 

Roger from the movie theater was a 40-something year old dude I worked with at Garrettsville Cinemas my senior year of high school. He was usually in good spirits and sometimes made inappropriate jokes to us teens and other people of all ages. Many teens teased him or were mean to him, but not me. Overall, we got along pretty well. We’d work late shifts together and listened to a lot of Delilah on the radio. For those of you who don’t know, Delilah hosts that call-in request show for lovers (current, former and long-lost) to dedicate love songs to each other. Delilah also says the kind of stuff that people with Drake parody accounts pretend Drake says. We’d chat here and there, but we mostly cleaned and listened to Delilah. I’m not even sure what his opinion of me was, but Roger definitely thought my friend Mike was incredible. When graduation day rolled around, he wrote an epic note to Mike that sampled lyrics from the hit song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. In the letter, he encouraged Mike to “dance” in the figurative sense Lee Ann uses in the song. Maybe he meant it literally also. I guess he gave Mike some undies or something too, but those details are a little foggy. 

I hope Roger is doing well, and I’d love to let him know that I’ve been doing my best to “dance” ever since our days at theater. Not that he ever asked. 

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11th Nov 2013

Preorder Made in Cle on DVD/Blu-Ray

This will be a gorgeous holiday gift. The comedy/drama vignette film I wrote/directed pieces for is available to preorder! The movie features the talent of Busy Phillips, Community's Gillian Jacobs and countless wonderful Northeast Ohians, including the great people pictured below.

www.madeinclevelandmovie.com 

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I also ran an image search purposely misspelling “Blue Ray”. I had to scroll a bit, but my favorite result is below:

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6th Nov 2013

Some American Horror Story: Coven Predictions

I’ve been pretty busy with plenty of things, and one of them has been picturing what is going to happen next on American Horror Story: Coven. If you’re watching this season of American Horror Story, you have to be blown away by it’s constant EDGINESS and also regularly asking yourself “why am I watching this season of American Horror Story?”

I thought I’d take a second and jot down some EDGY predictions about how the season will play out.

-Sarah Paulson’s character finally has a baby. It doesn’t even seem that magical at first but everyone knows something is up when things start getting way evil. Jessica Lange gets bored because she hasn’t been very edgy in the episode so she hits the baby with her car.

-Lange is praised by the other witches because it turns out that the baby was the devil. Even more devil-y than the baby from the first season of AHS. She accepts an award begrudgingly, drink in hand, stating “You may call me a hero, but to me I’m just hitting babies with my car. Nothing special” She is so humble. And edgy.

-The blonde hippy girl stops blabberin’ about Fleetwood Mack and get’s super into the new Arcade Fire. 

-Emma Roberts comes back from the dead and does some Krokodil with the other dead kid. It’s probably the edgiest Krokodil scene in basic-cable history. 

-Zachary Quinto finally shows up, takes a look around, and decides this season is just too edgy for him. He is replaced by Zach Braff

-Drew Brees cameo. 

-Entire episode=close up of a monkey’s face while Nine Inch Nails song plays. 

-Dead kid feels guilt about killing his mother and records a YouTube cover of Drake’s “Too Much”. Video goes viral and he gets an agent but his original music doesn’t really take off. 

-Kathy Bates stops being super racist and returns to Florida to run Sabre with Gabriel Susan Lewis. 

-Jonah Hill cameo

-The minotaur dude appears in front of an amazing light show and Daft Punk beat. Everyone whips out their smart phones to film as he starts rappin’. The entire season was just an elaborate stop on the Yeezus tour. 

2nd Oct 2013

Picture This: Chris Paul Trade to The Lakers Was NEVER Blocked.

So just like everyone else who updated their iPhone to iOS7, it basically turned my phone into a Sidekick 1 (or whatever version didn’t even have Javascript). In case you don’t get the ref, it just doesn’t do as much stuff as an iPhone should after the update. The great news is, since I haven’t been using my phone as much, I’ve had plenty more time to picture what it would be like if the trade that sent Chris Paul to the Lakers WASN’T blocked by David Stern and owners like the heroic loan shark Dan Gilbert. Wondering what I pictured? Here it goes: 

So it’s 2014 and The Lakers are in the NBA finals against the Miami Heat. In case you forgot already, this makes total sense because the CHRIS PAUL TRADE WAS NEVER BLOCKED. Perhaps the best news about this is that the Lakers never even tried to acquire Dwight Howard. In fact, Dwight Howard doesn’t even play basketball anymore. Picture this: Dwight Howard got so sick of injuries and Shaq teasing him that he quit basketball altogether. D12 is now Miley Cyrus’s successor in a gritty Hannah Montana reboot and is beloved by millions (though he quickly caused controversy by cussing about his privates in a guest verse on Big Sean’s “Hall of Fame” album). The Lakers starting lineup of Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Steve Nash (yeah, The Lakers still signed Nash because he’s so freakin’ cool. He is donating his entire salary to Ugandan orphans and living in a modest Echo Park bungalow w his chill girlfriend Solange Knowles), Paul Gasol and SexyMan69 (formerly known as Metta World Peace formerly known as Ron Artest) have proven to be almost unstoppable under their fearless coach: Steve Jobs.

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(My friend Chris Fafalios loved picturing this so much he made me this picture)

Oh yeah, one minor thing I didn’t mention yet is you also have to picture that Steve Jobs is super alive and coaching the Lakers. It shouldn’t be that hard to imagine because it’s pretty weird that a dude as rich and smart as Steve Jobs would die of health problems before millions of people that treat their bods like toilets. Steve Jobs seemed to do everything in his life besides win an NBA championship ring so GOOD NEWS: we are going to picture him finally getting his ring.

Even though this team cruised through the regular season so easily that Nash was dunking on lobs from Paul (and vice versa), Man69 was drawing up plays named after his favorite ewoks, and the bench was so deep even Kevin Hart got to play some garbage minutes, not everything was going perfectly. Kobe is in his mid 30s, and he’s been playing in the NBA since he was like 14 or some shit, so there’s plenty of wear and tear on his bod. When it started getting tough for Kobe to play 38 minutes a game, Coach Jobs was smart to put him on an Apple-designed human operating system called MountainPerson. When Kobe had to update to MountainPerson7, there were definitely some bugs to be worked out, much like iOS7. Obviously Steve had Apple developers working around the clock on MountainPerson7 bug fixes, and an update to MountainPerson7.1.0 had Kobe firing on all cylinders in no time. I’d imagine that if Steve Jobs were still alive, iOS7 wouldn’t have the problems it does. It probably wouldn’t look like a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper either. I imagine it would look like a cool album cover, like Sgt. Peppers, or at least Green Day “Dookie”.

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(My impression of iOS7 but it’s not even this cool!)

Everything is better under Jobs. Pau Gasol might not be running on MountainPerson, but he did bulk up quite a bit under Coach Jobs’ strict "no wussies" policy. Jobs also handles SexyMan69 like no coach could handle Artest or World Peace. Whenever he gets too wild, Coach Jobs would just say “69…u too crazy!”. Everyone would get a good chuckle. 

Even with Lebron James carrying The Heat on his shoulders and putting up quintuple doubles in the first few games, Miami could only take Coach Jobs’s Lakers to six games. The back court of Paul and Nash dishing it to Kobe running on Apple’s best operating system yet PLUS the muscle of Pau Gasol and Sexyman69 proved to be too much for Lebron and his humble (awful) supporting cast. The 2014 NBA championship was won on the Staples Center floor in front of a sold out crowd that even had on again/off again Lakers bench player Kevin Hart in attendance. Jack Nicholson would have been there too but, how I’m picturing it at least, he’s dead instead of Steve Jobs. Nicholson is great, but I’m picturing it this way because he would have wanted it that way. He’d rather be dead than have The Lakers not win a championship. 

Best news is that Lebron will obviously go back to play for the Cavaliers after this crushing defeat. No doubt Kobe and Jobs will try to lure him to the bright lights of Los Angeles, but we know where his heart truly lies. Actually, on second thought, it makes total sense that he would come play for the Lakers. Jobs and the Bus family probably have the money to fully transport his beloved city of Akron as a new LA neighborhood, which I have to support because my family lives there and it would bring Sheetz here to Los Angeles. 

I hope you liked picturing all of that. I sure did. 

24th Sep 2013
Just saw Paul McCartney for free. During “Hey Jude” while all Hollywood blvd sang, this great guy just climbed on the directory and mean mugged like a cool champion.  (at Hollywood & Highland Center)

Just saw Paul McCartney for free. During “Hey Jude” while all Hollywood blvd sang, this great guy just climbed on the directory and mean mugged like a cool champion. (at Hollywood & Highland Center)

8th Sep 2013

Hunkiness Advice

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When I was 19, I was getting ready to go play a rock concert in my hometown. I put on my finest GAP polo shirt (which I realized was probably illegal pre-Weezer/Nerf Herder) and, honestly, I thought I was looking pretty cool.

My buddy Chris Barton showed up to give me a ride to the show. Barton and I had become pretty close whilst cruising around in his car, probably because he gave me a ride home when school was was closed down on 9/11 (we drove home listened to Stern’s coverage). Chris commented that my polo looked pretty fresh, but questioned whether or not I had lifted weights in the past hour. 

I hadn’t. I hadn’t even considered it. 

"You should lift weights before you play a show. Just like you would before a date."

Man, I had never lifted weights before a show OR a date. I was doing it all wrong. I saw the value in lifting weights before playing a show to get my energy up, but never considered how I could have increased my hunkiness on stage. 

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Sigh…what could have been…

Did I learn my lesson? Did I lift weights before writing this post?

Absolutely.